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| remembering myself |
| 04.03.05 (7:10 pm) [edit] |
i've been kinda out of it for the past month or so for a lot of reasons. i tried to deny it for a long time and i tried to overcome my confusion by burying myself in being busy with dance and skool and work now too, but it doesnt help. it was bugging my subconcious and i couldnt stop having nightmares because i couldnt just let go. i wasnt going in to rehearse half as much as i used to or should be doing and i kept letting myself drown in self pity and cling to the past. next time i do that feel free to yell at me! oh well. i believe that the one thing that i do have control over is who i am and i'm going to go back to being my old Obnoxious Orange self becoz i hate myself rite now. in the spirit of that i looked up some things that i wrote awhile back...
my ballet buds will get a kick out of this one. i wrote it on christmas eve last year. everyone had left and i couldnt sleep for some reason...
you knoe ur a bunhead when
~you can honestly say you asked for a pair of toeshoes for xmas
~you're actually sad when you get something else becoz u needed a new pair of shoes coz ur old ones are dead
~you feel the need to dance when you hear music or when your hair is up or when your on wood floor or in an open spance or when its raining or in your dreams or when ur in any form concious...or if you're breathing at all
~you stand turned out without realizing it
~you crack your knuckles on your toes
~your toes look like something out of a horror movie
~good news!: you hear the quote "the stage is a drug" and realize that you're not crazy after all! bad news: you are, however, an addict.
~when trying on clothes your first thoght is, of course, "does it fit" but ur second is "can i dance in it"
~your favorite places are you ballet studio and where you perform
~you get insomnia if go two days without class [i just remembered- THATS why i couldnt go to sleep that night- lol]
~you sew your ribbons and elastic on your shoes during lunch [or even class when your work is done] at skool coz u just got them the day before and you want to dance in them that night
~you dont feel selfconcious when you randomly start dancing in the street or when you go to get an icecream with stage makeup on (fake eyelashes and overkill of eyeliner, lipstick and blush)
~your not superstitious but you still get mad when people wish you "good luck" or worse "break a leg" its "merde" for dancers!!! get it straight
~the first thing you do to a new pair of pointes is try to break them... break them in that is- whether that means hammering them [which reminds me i gotta start doing that again...] or putting them in a door or bending them nearly in half
~the back of your head hurts from putting bobby pins in too tightly
~you show up for class in legwarmers, sweats, and sweatpants becoz its sat morning so you're allowed to, but you end up in regular ballet clothes by plies becoz ur already too hot
~you use old pointe shoes around the house as slippers (old pointes are the most comfy things ever!- unless u have a blister of course)
~u wear thick socks and then put ur toesshoes on over when you sleep to try to stretch out a pair of shoes that are too tight
~you try to (or actually do) sleep in torture stretch
~you give yourself a midnight ballet class
~you're hanging out with your friends and realize that this moment reminds you of a character or scene from a ballet
~you're constantly humming nutcracker music
~you cant stand to hear nutrcracker music in the summer... u just cant. but otherwise its impossible to be sick of it
~you knoe all the choreography from every ballet *cough cough... i'm not putting any names on this webbie- but my ballet friends all knoe which other insane dancer who enjoys fouettes i am talking about*
~you feel like limp noodles after dancing
~you survive your skoolday and get up only coz you knoe you have class to look forward to
~you drive nondancers crazy with ballet talk
~you have at least 20 pairs of toeshoes in you closet or under ur bed or furniture [i ought to count how many i have- its pathetic- and i threw out all my old gambas and capezios too!!! all i have is grisko!]
~people start referrring to you as "insert your name here, the ballerina"
~you love watching performances but always get a little jealous of the dancers becoz you wannna be dancing too!
~you realize there is no such thing as good enuf
~are insane enuf to keep dancing even after your hardest dance class ever
this is another pretty funny thing that i wrote for a theology class last year...
Who Am I?
Unfortunately, I am a human being, which means I have to put up with a lot of stupidity, but I guess there are some good sides to it too.
I guess if I could sum myself up in one word I would have to say weird. And don't go saying that I'm not, because if I'm not weird then that must mean that I'm normal, and I don't believe there is such a thing. I am weird and I wouldn't have it any other way.
I like to isolate myself from others to accomplish my goals, or to confuse them, or to just be different, and sometimes I literally just sit back and watch others talking because I find it amusing, but for the most part I'm a pretty social person and I enjoy talking my head off.
I guess I'm making myself out to be a really scary person, but that's not me either. I think I'm a fairly easy-going person. I can get along with people who are total opposites, and I can find good in plenty of situations that most would disregard as hopeless.
Yeah, I guess that somewhat sums up at least a portion of who I am. A dreamer who doesn't understand people and whose thoughts come out as scatter-brained and random. Yep, that's me!
mmk i feel a lot better now. i was serious about the yelling at me when i let myself drown in depression btw. lol. i'm not going to let myself do that anymore. i'm going back to my bubbly, witty, easily-amused, always-finding-the-silver -lining self. and i'm going to focus on what is really important. which means i need to stop procrastinating on homework and i need to prepare for spring concert ALOT more. plez comment!
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| illusions... |
| 03.01.05 (9:30 pm) [edit] |
life is about illusions. in the play "the glass menagerie" one of the characters (laura) has a tangible illusionary world through her menagerie, but the other characters all have their own illusionary worlds as a means for escape as well. Tom dreams of adventure, Amanda remembers and holds on to her past, and Jim clings to his confidence and beliefs that hard work will benefit him later on. I think everyone can relate to at least one of these character's dillemnas- but especially Jim's becoz everyone lives in the future nowadays. People rush, rush, rush- they stress out about skool and then their job, and then about retiring... and they dont allow themselves to enjoy the journey of getting there anymore. so they keep rushing until they finally reach what they think is their goal and they realize that they dont really know wat they have been rushing for and they regret not enjoying themsselves more. its truly ironic.
its also ironic how deception has such a negative connotation when it is essential to surviving life. people need a means of escape, their own illusionary world, whether it be in their hopes and dreams, or in faith of having a purpose in life (whether it be religious or not), or in their passion (either an art form, hobby, or sport), or even just having a friend that they can act stupid with and forget about acting grown up or proper with for just a moment. the thing is- most of those means of escape are merely deceptive illusions- a dream is only a dream- its not tangible, and its not real. People dont live for reality- they live because they deceive themselves and live for the impossible, or the improbable. People live for all the "what ifs" in life.
people try to control their lives too- they are constantly trying to create the illusion that they have stability in their lives to deny the fact that everything that they hold dear can be taken away from them in a heartbeat, but the truth is that instability and unpredictability is what makes life so interesting. nobody wants to read a story or watch a movie about a character that never has anything interesting happen to them- and nobody could live that humdrum of a life either. its like ying and yang- people need enough good in their life to give them hope and a reason to be happy, but they also need enough bad to help them realize and appreciate when they are given a gift.
this has been another complicated and confusing philosophical lecture with the dancing angel- plez comment- especially if u disagree- becoz i LOVE to argue!
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| thnx for the quotes sachi! |
| 02.27.05 (10:03 pm) [edit] |
"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying." ~ Oscar Wilde...sachi is right- this quote is totally me!
"I don't want realism. I want magic! Yes, yes, magic. I try to give that to people. I do misrepresent things. I don't tell the truth. I tell what ought to be truth" ~ A Streetcar Named Desire... sachi and i both had to read that play for skool- its really interesting, and of course i like this quote coz its about illusions... i'm really big on the whole illusions thing right now... i'll explain it later
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| once upon a time... |
| 02.27.05 (9:06 pm) [edit] |
well. i finally have a blog now so ppl can stop bugging me and now i dont know wat to write. dont judge my intelligence based on how horrendous the grammar is on here- coz i really dont care wat my writing looks like on here and anybody who knows me knows that i'm a good writer (cept when it comes to poetry). and actually the fact that grammar is one of the first things that i'm discussing can tell u that i'm pretty much a bookworm that gets good grades.
i view my life as a fairytale, which is why i labeled this entry "once upon a time." life is merely a play that u have control over, or rather- u have control over ur own actions, ur own hopes, dreams and fears, unless u let somebody else control u of course. so life is a play that we are all taking part in. its like that quote "the world is a stage." i guess i look at life from a kinda removed point of view- i see my life like a story unfolding rather than facing the problems as if they were my own. if u think that i'm crazy right now, u are not only smart, but ur also crazy- because ur still reading this... and if ur reading this then u are trying to make sense of it and so if u weren't crazy to begin with u will go crazy trying to understand things that are not meant to be understood.
i like confusing people.
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